The Arrogance of Listening

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When researching my book on the gap between what’s said and what’s heard (What? Did you really say what I think I heard?) I discovered that most people believe they listen accurately, and that any miscommunication or misunderstanding is the fault of the Other.

When my book came out, 20,000 people downloaded it in the first 3 months. I received hundreds of emails from readers profusely thanking me for the book, saying they were going to give it to their spouses/colleagues/clients so THEY could learn to hear to these readers without bias or misunderstanding. Did readers not grasp how our brains are wired to make it highly unlikely we understand what others mean without bias? How was it possible that they missed the fact that ALL brains operate this way, even their own?

I also received calls from managers saying they wanted me to train their teams so they could better listen to each other, and to their clients. Yet none of them hired me. Why? Their teams believed they didn’t need training cuz they listened just fine, thanks, that any miscommunication lie on the side of the client/colleague.

How Often Do We Misunderstand What’s Meant

There are two issues here.

Truth: our brains have constructed unconscious, subjective filters (biases, assumptions, triggers) over the course of our entire lifetimes, making it highly improbable to accurately hear some percentage of what others mean to convey (percentages vary according to how far they are from our own subjective biases). Additionally, our brains subjectively and habitually match what they hear, to stored, historic conversations we’ve had (some from decades ago, some wildly out of context), thereby altering our Communication Partner’s meaning – and what we think they’ve said – accordingly. Unfortunately for us all, it happens at the unconscious, making it difficult for us to change/fix/recognize.

Reality: because our brain only offers us the interpretation it has constructed, (and we have no idea what percentage of this is correct), we believe we ‘hear’ accurately. So if I say ABL and your brain tells you I’ve said ABP, you will fight me to the death that you heard ‘right’, or that I just didn’t remember what I said, without realizing that your brain may have altered the transmission all on its own, without telling you. I had one Active Listening professor wildly mishear and misrepresent what I said, yet claimed I was probably having a Freudian Slip (he actually said that) because what he ‘heard’ was ‘accurate’ and I was mistaken.

Sadly it’s impossible to accurately hear the full extent of what our Communication Partners mean to convey (although we might hear the words [which we remember for 3 seconds]). Obviously with folks we’re in contact with regularly, our brain recognizes those unique communication patterns via habits and memories and does a better job for us. Not so much with people not in our immediate sphere, or when we enter conversations with assumptions and biases that restrict the entire dialogue.

Sometimes We’re Just Wrong

But haven’t we all been burned over time with misunderstandings or assumptions? Haven’t we all realized that maybe, just occasionally, maybe sometimes, that we might have, on a bad day, misunderstood someone? And that it was actually our fault? What’s the deal about needing to be ‘right’?

In a recent conversation with my friend Carol Kinsey Goman (body language guru) we couldn’t figure out why the word ‘listening’ elicited so much denial. Why don’t companies demand their employees listen without bias? To hear clients without assumptions? To walk away from meetings with To-Do lists that actually represent what was agreed to at the meeting? Why is ‘listening’ a ‘soft skill’ when it informs all client interactions, team productivity, and creativity? Why do we assume we listen accurately?

Misunderstanding, misrepresenting, distorting what others say costs us all a lot – in personal capital, money, and possibility. So I ask you:

  • What needs to happen for each of us to recognize that we share 100% of our 50% of conversations? That when one person ‘mishears’ maybe there is a problem between both Communication Partners? That there is a probability of some distortion, and nip it in the bud after every conversation?
  • How will we know that it’s time to check in with our Communication Partner to ensure we’ve understood the same things – before we use the data we collected, or during an intense negotiation, or during/after a conversation or coaching session or employee review?
  • At what point in any misunderstanding or confusion might we be willing to say, “Could you please say that to me a different way?” to make sure you’ve understood the importance of what has been said? What will we hear/feel to recognize there is a problem?
  • What would you need to believe about yourself to admit that you, like every human being with a brain, are at best a mediocre listener? Because once you believe this is true, you might – you just might – be willing to be someone who occasionally misunderstands, or once-in-a-while makes a wrong assumption or mishears. Being Right is an expensive position to hold. At what point is the Greater Good more important than Being Right?

Until we’re all – all – willing to admit that we’re biologically inadequate listeners, and be willing/able to include in dialogues some check points of agreed understanding (not to mention the occasional apology), or learn how to supersede our biases, we will suffer from Arrogance of Listening, and our lives, our relationships, and our incomes, will be restricted.

About the Author

Sharon Drew Morgen is founder of Morgen Facilitations, Inc. (www.newsalesparadigm.com). She is the visionary behind Buying Facilitation®, the decision facilitation model that enables people to change with integrity. A pioneer who has spoken about, written about, and taught the skills to help buyers buy, she is the author of the acclaimed New York Times Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: Why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell and what you can do about it.

To contact Sharon Drew at [email protected] or go to www.didihearyou.com to choose your favorite digital site to download your free book.

It’s not the company. It’s the people in the company. It’s you.

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StrategyDriven Management and Leadership ArticleWhen you walk into someone’s place of business to shop or buy something, what are you expecting?

Most people (you included and me included) expect someone friendly, someone helpful when you need them, to be served in a timely manner, to be given fair value, to be presented with a quality product, to make the process quick and easy, and to be thanked whether you give them the business or not.

Then the question is: What do you get?

Typically, you get a mechanical welcome, someone feebly says, “can I help you?” Followed by people telling you what they can’t do versus what they can do, or what they don’t have. Maybe a bunch of sentences containing the word policy, and an inability to understand that just because they’re out of an item, doesn’t mean you don’t still want it or need it, and will likely go to their competition to get it. All this, and a touch of rudeness.

Now, maybe I have exaggerated a bit. But I can promise you, not by much.

And the interesting part is, many companies have multiple locations where the products are the same, but the service is not recognizable from place to place – one may be fantastic, while the other may be pathetic.

The inconsistency of people-performance can make or break a business.

Here is what will make you or anyone near you, or anyone in a job they consider beneath them, or anyone who hates work, understand the formula for emerging into a better career – certainly a better job. And all of these elements will be reflected in your performance.

1. Your internal happiness. Happiness is not a job, it’s a person.
2. Your attitude toward work. Do you just go to pass the time for a paycheck, or are you there to earn your pay with hard work?
3. Your self-esteem and self-image. How you feel about yourself.
4. Your desire to serve.
5. Your commitment to being your best.
6. Your boss and how your boss treats you.
7. Looking at your job as menial rather than a steppingstone towards your career. It’s not “just a job” – it’s “an opportunity.”
8. Pride in your own success.
9. Realizing that you’re are on display, and that your present actions will dictate your future success.
9.5 Every today is a window to your every tomorrow.

Companies spend millions, sometimes billions of dollars in advertising, branding, merchandising, strategizing, and every other element of marketing that they believe will bring business success. But if there are people involved, marketing means nothing if the people are not great.

When I walk into a business, I ask people, “How’s it going?” I get the most disappointing answers like, “Just three hours to go.” Or, “It’s Friday.” What kind of statement is that? What does that tell you about what kind of employee they are, much less what kind of service is attached to their attitude?

When you go to a hotel, a fifty-million-dollar business rests on the shoulders of shoulders of the front desk clerk. That’s the first impression you have. In a retail business, it’s no different. All the advertising gets you to come into the store. From there, it’s all about the retail clerk. Doctors and dentists now advertise. But it’s the person who answers the phone that gives a true reflection of what the doctor or dentist office will be like.

What is your company like? Do you have any people working there that hate their job? Do you have people with “attitude?” What can you do?

These elements will get YOU to BEST:
1. Set the example by being your best and doing your best
2. Hang around with the winners, not the whiners
3. Create service best practices, and have everyone implement them.
4. Have weekly internal positive attitude training.
5. Look at the best companies in America for best practices you can adapt and adopt.
6. Do your best at everything, everyday.
6.5 Work on your own attitude. You must think you will succeed, before success is yours. You must think you will be happy, before happiness is yours.

The root word of “your” is YOU. Each employee has the responsibility of representing their company to their customers in a way that reflects the image and reputation needed to build or maintain a great reputation and a leadership position.

Anything less than “best” is not acceptable. But here’s the secret: Don’t do it for your company – do it for yourself. Develop the pride in doing your best at your job even if it’s not your career, and never use the word “just” when you describe yourself.

Real winners are few and far between.
And making yourself one is a choice.

If you want a couple more attitude boosters and one major attitude secret go to gitomer.com, register if you’re a first time user, and enter ATTITUDE FOREVER in the GitBit box.

Reprinted with permission from Jeffrey H. Gitomer and Buy Gitomer.

About the Author

Jeffrey GitomerJeffrey Gitomer is the author of The Sales Bible, Customer Satisfaction is Worthless Customer Loyalty is Priceless, The Little Red Book of Selling, The Little Red Book of Sales Answers, The Little Black Book of Connections, The Little Gold Book of YES! Attitude, The Little Green Book of Getting Your Way, The Little Platinum Book of Cha-Ching, The Little Teal Book of Trust, The Little Book of Leadership, and Social BOOM! His website, www.gitomer.com, will lead you to more information about training and seminars, or email him personally at [email protected].

Driving for sales success? Jim Rohn is the fuel.

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The root of your sales success lies in your sales philosophy. How did you develop yours? Mine came from a combination of home environment, books, education, mentors, personal development programs, personal experience, and observations.

You establish and revise the basic principles of your philosophies by exposure to information, your experiences, and listening to the belief of others – especially those you respect. You try to only accept “the good stuff” and then adapt it to (or change) your way of life.

One of the most respected was Jim Rohn. Jim passed away a few years ago, but was and still is considered by many (me included) to be America’s foremost business philosopher. Growing up on a farm in Idaho, Jim developed principles and philosophies that were gleaned from his dad and his first employer and mentor, Earl Schoaff.

While you may believe that you determine your own philosophy, much of it is pre-determined or influenced by your home environment during childhood. After that, it’s up to you to seek influencers and mentors. People who impact the way you think, and create the motivation that drives your actions.

Some people are under the misconception that their personal philosophy and making a sale are not connected. Wrong. Your philosophy is the umbilical cord that provides the “essence of life” to your ability to sell.

Here is the essence of the sales success life cycle according to Rohn:

  • Philosophy drives attitude.
  • Attitude drives actions.
  • Actions drive results.
  • Results drive lifestyles.

Frustrated with your lifestyle? Not meeting your goals or expectations? Here’s how Rohn breaks it down:
If you don’t like your lifestyle – look at your results.
If you don’t like your results – look at your actions.
If you don’t like your actions – look at your attitude.
If you don’t like your attitude – look at your philosophy.

Here are some philosophical quotes and concepts that drove Jim Rohn — and may put gas in your car and bucks in your knowledge bank:

Balance. Life is a combination of “want to” and “how to,” and we need to give equal attention to both.

Activity. The few who do, are the envy of the many who watch.

Career Growth. The most important question to ask on the job is not “What am I getting?” The most important question to ask is “What am I becoming?”

Goals. Set the kind of goals that will make something good of you.

Reality. You must get good at one of two things. Planting in the spring, or begging in the fall.

Motive to Educate. Motivation alone is not enough. If you have an idiot and you motivate him – now you have a motivated idiot.

Personal Development. Formal education will make you a living. Self-education will make you a fortune.

Hypocrisy. What we demand from our children, we must demand of ourselves. There must be a standard by which they live – and as parents, we must set it – and live it.

Motivation the wrong way. If someone is going down the wrong road, he doesn’t need motivation to speed him up. What he needs is education to turn him around.

The nose on your face. Success is the study of the obvious.

Work vs. Pay. If you work at your job you will make a living. If you work on yourself, you will earn a fortune. Work harder on yourself than you do on your job.

Numbers. Get your personal numbers in line with your business numbers. Balance sales numbers with education numbers and health numbers.

Wealth. I found it easier to get rich than I did to make excuses.

Time. We can no more afford to spend major time on minor things than we can to spend minor time on major things.

Pay. You don’t get paid for the hour. You get paid for the value you bring to the hour.

Paid. My father taught me always do more than you’re paid for as an investment in your future.

Customers. One good customer well taken care of could be more valuable than $10,000 worth of advertising.

Happiness. Learn to be happy with what you have while you pursue what you really want.

Plans. If you don’t make plans of your own, you will probably fit into someone else’s.

Jim Rohn was the master of the crafted word. He took the situations of life that are the subtle difference between success, mediocrity and dismal failure — and empowered his listeners to understand their own world in a new, better, and more powerful way.

Sitting in his audience (as I did 25 times), I (and everyone in the room) was compelled to take copious notes – I have saved them for more than 20 years, and they provide the wealth of wisdom for you to enjoy, benefit from, and take to the bank.

Part two of the Jim Rohn philosophy will be presented next week.

GitBit. Want more thought provoking and inspiring quotes by Jim Rohn? Just go to www.gitomer.com and enter the words JIM ROHN in the GitBit box.

Reprinted with permission from Jeffrey H. Gitomer and Buy Gitomer.

About the Author

Jeffrey GitomerJeffrey Gitomer is the author of The Sales Bible, Customer Satisfaction is Worthless Customer Loyalty is Priceless, The Little Red Book of Selling, The Little Red Book of Sales Answers, The Little Black Book of Connections, The Little Gold Book of YES! Attitude, The Little Green Book of Getting Your Way, The Little Platinum Book of Cha-Ching, The Little Teal Book of Trust, The Little Book of Leadership, and Social BOOM! His website, www.gitomer.com, will lead you to more information about training and seminars, or email him personally at [email protected].

Checklist for Influencers: questions for sellers, coaches, leaders, change agents

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Most of you are really good at what you do: as influencers, sellers, coaches, change agents, or leaders, your intuition, excellent skills, and history of success guide your ability to facilitate change for your clients. And yet… Using conventional models and questions – both designed to drive the predisposition of the facilitator – it’s inevitable that your interactions will have bias, and will unwittingly restrict possible outcomes accordingly. Here’s a checklist of questions to help you determine the extent of your bias:

When attempting to influence someone (as sellers, leaders, etc.) can you be certain that your natural assumptions, unconscious expectations, and goals play no/little role in biasing or restricting the outcome?

Are you aware of, and make allowances for, your full range of biases? Can you think of the role your biases play that might predispose outcomes?

Can you think of any of your Communication Partner’s (CP) biases that were overlooked but ended up determining the outcome? How do you manage your CP’s biases, triggers, filters, and assumptions to expand choice and possibility, and avoid unconscious resistance, fallout, and restricted results? (Not to mention lost sales and difficult implementations.)

Do you know what you’d need to do differently to enter a conversation without bias or assumptions to facilitate your client in determining their own systemic parameters?
Are you aware how your curiosity and questions are subjectively biased toward the goal you think you need to reach – and 1. potentially lose a more congruent outcome, 2. alienate many who might need your solutions?

How can you be certain you’re speaking to all the right people, or using the best questions for them, specifically, to gather the most appropriate information given their idiosyncratic knowledge and culture?

Do your current methods of avoiding resistance work?

Are you aware of how much your brain filters what you hear and how much more is being said than what you’re hearing? Are you aware of the cost of misunderstanding what’s going on outside of your goals and expectations?

How much of the early data you gather turns out to be accurate? How do you know when/if you ever get to the accurate data? How do your expectations and the bias in your questions interfere with the Other’s recognition of the full fact pattern (largely unconscious at the start)?

What would you need to believe differently to consider that your current skill set, biased mind set, and habitual set of expectations is creating a diminished ability to influence the full extent of real change and avoid resistance?

How often do you assume something is ‘working’ or was successful – a coaching client was changing, or a buyer was going to buy – and you were wrong? Do you know for certain what happened behind-the-scenes that caused the failure and you could have circumvented?

Are you aware of how your own biases, assumptions, triggers, and filters, have gotten in the way of success – or do you believe you’re right and the other person wrong/stupid?

What would you need to believe differently to be willing to add some new skills to use less bias? To enable your CPs to recognize and manage their unconscious systems elements that have informed all choices and need to be shifted for change (a purchase, an implementation) to occur so they can easily buy, change or adopt your terrific material?

Facilitating Choice

We’re all in the business of influencing, or attempting to get what we want. Yet we fail a very high percentage of the time; sellers loses 94% of their prospects; coaches lose 70% of follow on clients; implementations fail 97% of the time. It’s not our fault: we fail because our conventional skills are focused on:

  • content push
  • premature goal setting
  • the facilitator’s expectations
  • listening for pre-determined details

and miss the unspoken metamessages, values, history, rules, and consensus issues that make up our CPs status quo. It’s possible to enable our CP partners to do the change work from within, without us biasing and limiting possibility to our own subjective view.

I have developed a generic change management model with a unique skill set that facilitates decision making and change at the core unconscious, systemic level and avoids bias and resistance. I developed it over many decades by coding my own Asperger’s systemizing brain and designing a new form of listening, a new type of question, and coding the steps that happen unconsciously during all change. I’ve trained it to 100,000 sales people, coaches, leaders, and negotiators globally. It’s a model that must be learned and added to your current skill set; it takes some time to learn and practice because it’s so different from conventional models. But it’s scalable. DuPont, for example, trained 8,000 sales people and KPMG trained 6,000 consultants.

Using this new decision facilitation model, you’ll be able to help others determine how to quickly and congruently buy, change, implement, etc. themselves in the area you are facilitating. No more delayed sales cycles or lost prospects; no more failed implementations; no more resistance to change. You can close 40% of all qualified prospects from first call, in half the time; you can help coaching clients discover their unconscious incongruences on the first call; you can implement large change events with no resistance.

I can teach you how to unhook from your personal biases and enter conversations in a way that leads/ discovers/ creates all that’s possible through win/win, servant leadership and congruent change. Imagine being able to enter every conversation and have it reach its most ethical, financial, and creative possibility. Imagine.

About the Author

Sharon Drew Morgen is founder of Morgen Facilitations, Inc. (www.newsalesparadigm.com). She is the visionary behind Buying Facilitation®, the decision facilitation model that enables people to change with integrity. A pioneer who has spoken about, written about, and taught the skills to help buyers buy, she is the author of the acclaimed New York Times Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity and Dirty Little Secrets: Why buyers can’t buy and sellers can’t sell and what you can do about it.

To contact Sharon Drew at [email protected] or go to www.didihearyou.com to choose your favorite digital site to download your free book.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the job. Or is it?

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Hate your job? Things at work not going your way? Productivity down? Not earning enough? Thinking of leaving? Here are some job realities you may want to consider before flying to another light-bulb.

First figure out the WHOLE why. You need to take a deep look into the situation before you decide to move. What is causing these feelings of unrest, distrust or unhappiness?

Here’s a list of reasons – BUT, don’t just read them. If you’re unhappy at work, list the ones that apply to you and write a “why” sentence next to it. Don’t just confirm the reason in your mind, go deeper to discover the “reason behind the reason.”

Here’s your self “why” test:

  • Belief system failing in product – you don’t think your product is really better than the competition’s.
  • Belief system failing in company – you’ve lost faith in the company’s ability to perform.
  • Poor service after you sell it – continuing complaint calls are lowering your morale.
  • Boss is a jerk – for one reason or another he or she hasn’t earned your respect.
  • Poor management – acting in their own self interest, can’t sell better than you.
  • Conflicts with coworkers or management – too much who-struck-John. Politics.
  • Poor training – you aren’t getting adequately prepared to sell.
  • High turnover – many good people leaving.
  • Too much work – you work too hard, and you don’t want to put forth the effort.
  • Poor pay – low pay for your effort.
  • Poor working conditions – lack of sales support.
  • Business hurting – the economy and sales are less prevalent or slower.
  • No upward opportunity – you’re stuck in non-growth mode.

And of course the one reason you may have omitted is – it may be you.

Self-test for these:

  • Your poor attitude
  • Home life problems
  • Money problems
  • Drinking or other self-abuse stupidity
  • Your poor sales skills
  • Your poor work habits
  • Poor performance on your part
  • Placing blame rather than taking responsibility
  • Stress (caused by one or many of the above)

Well, that’s an “ouch” test, huh? Did you find your “thorn?” Did you discover “why?” – or did you already know, and I just confirmed it. So now that your skin is itching with the reality, what are you going to do about it?

Well, not so fast there, Sparky.

I’d like you to consider some deeper reflection first.

DO THIS: When you find your biggest reason(s), ask yourself “why?” four times to get to the bottom of the reason. That would be the REAL reason.

Let’s say you selected the reason: My boss is a jerk – OK, why? “Well, for one thing, he’s constantly on me to produce.” OK, why? “Well, because he says I’m not seeing enough people, nor am I closing enough deals.” OK why? “Because it’s harder to make sales. People aren’t buying.”

Sounds like it ain’t the boss after all – it’s you.
That’s not a boss issue. That’s a training, sales skills and intensity issue.

All salespeople suffer from two incurable diseases:
1. The grass-is-always-greener syndrome
2. The moth-to-a-light-bulb syndrome

ASK YOURSELF FIRST:
What are you really looking for?
If you’re going to switch, will this move you up or forward?
Can you fix what you have?
What would you really like to be doing?
If you leave here where will you go?
What risks do you take by leaving this job?
How will a new job get you closer to your real career goals?
How will a new job get you closer to your real monetary goals?

If you decide to leave, don’t leave for the wrong reasons, and don’t leave the wrong way. I have just given you the “why” formula. That will get you to an understanding of your self-thinking. Then there’s the “how you will leave” part.

2.5 more rules apply:
1. Leave professionally. Give notice. Tell the truth.
2. Leave ethically. Give back everything. Don’t “take” anything with you. Especially customer lists or any trade secrets.
2.5 Leave positively. No bad words or lawsuits. Just peacefully go. Leave with your reputation in tact. Leave with a reference.

To leave or not to leave? That is the question. Your job is to find the answer. Your own answer. It’s a big decision. A career decision. An advancement decision. And yes, a money decision.

My advice is: make sure you know the REAL reason. And make sure you do it in a way that would make your mother proud.

If you’re one of the fortunate few who LOVE their job, please pass this on to someone whining about how green the grass might be someplace else.

FREE GitBit. I have one more piece of advice about your job. Something to think about everyday. Go to www.gitomer.com, enter JOB in the GitBit box.

Reprinted with permission from Jeffrey H. Gitomer and Buy Gitomer.

About the Author

Jeffrey GitomerJeffrey Gitomer is the author of The Sales Bible, Customer Satisfaction is Worthless Customer Loyalty is Priceless, The Little Red Book of Selling, The Little Red Book of Sales Answers, The Little Black Book of Connections, The Little Gold Book of YES! Attitude, The Little Green Book of Getting Your Way, The Little Platinum Book of Cha-Ching, The Little Teal Book of Trust, The Little Book of Leadership, and Social BOOM! His website, www.gitomer.com, will lead you to more information about training and seminars, or email him personally at [email protected].