Listening Biases: How Influencers Unwittingly Restrict Possibilities

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Do you enter conversations with a goal, or set of expectations? Do you assume you’ll have solutions for your Communication Partners (CPs)? Do you listen carefully to pose the best questions to enable you to fulfill your expectations? Do you assume the responses to your questions provide an accurate representation of the full fact pattern – ‘good’ data – to base your follow-on questions on? Do you assume your history of similar topics provides a route to an optimal outcome?

If any of the above are true, you’re biasing your conversation.

  • By entering conversations with assumptions and personal goals,
  • and listening according to historic, unconscious, self-directed filters,
  • you unwittingly direct conversations
  • to your range of expectations and familiarity
  • and potentially miss a more optimal outcome.

In other words, your unconscious inhibits and biases optimal results. But it’s not your fault.

Our Brains Cause a Gap Between What’s Said and What’s Heard

The most surprising takeaway from my year of research for my book on closing the gap between what’s said and what’s heard was learning how little of what we think we hear is unbiased, or even accurate. Indeed, it’s pretty rare for us to hear precisely what another intends us to hear. Yet that doesn’t stop us from translating what’s said into what we want to hear.

Employing biases, assumptions, triggers, memory tricks, and habit (filters that act as information sieves) our brains take a habitual route when listening to others, alter and omit at will, and don’t even tell us what’s been transformed, regardless of our desire to be neutral. So the Other might say ABC and our brains actually tell us they said ABL. I once lost a business partner because he ‘heard’ me say X when three of us confirmed I said Y. “I was right here! Why are you all lying to me! I KNOW she said that!” And he walked out in a self-generated rage.

Indeed, as outsiders, we cannot ever know the full range of givens within our CPs innermost thinking. Every person, every situation, every conversation is unique. And given variances in our beliefs/values, background, identity, etc., our inability to accurately hear exactly what is intended causes us to unintentionally end up working with data of unknowable accuracy, causing a restricted, speculative route to understanding or success.

Net net, we unwittingly base our conversation, goals, questions, intuitive responses and offerings on an assumption of what we think has been said, and we fully succeed only with those whose biases match our own. [Note: for those who want to manage this problem, I’ve developed a work-around in Chapter 6 of What?)

Entering Conversations Without Bias

The problem is compounded when we enter and continue conversations with unconscious biases that further restrict possibility. Because of the potential constraints, we must take extra care to enter and guide conversations without bias. But our natural listening habits make that difficult:

  1. by biasing the framework of the conversation to the goals we wish to achieve, we overlook alternative, congruent outcomes. Sellers, coaches, leaders, and managers often enter conversations with expectations and goals rather than collaboratively setting a viable frame and together discovering possibility.
  2. by listening only for what we’re (consciously or unconsciously) focused on hearing, we overlook a broader range of possible outcomes. Sellers, negotiators, leaders, help desk professionals, and coaches often listen for what they want to hear so they can say what they want/are trained to say, or pose biased questions, and possibly miss real opportunities to promote agreement.

Once we have expectations, success is restricted to the overlap between our needs and the CPs; the real problems and solutions lie outside. Here are some ideas to help you create conversations that avoid restriction:

  1. Shift your goal as an influencer to facilitating the route to change. You’ll never have the full fact pattern, or the weight and implications of each element that has created and maintains the status quo. But you can lead a route to change using systems thinking and enabling your CP to engage their own change, congruently.
  2. Enter each conversation with a willingness to serve the greater good within the bounds of what you have to offer, rather than meet a specific outcome. Any expectations or goals limit outcomes. The Other’s outcome will become obvious to them.
  3. Enter with a blank brain, as a neutral navigator, servant leader, change facilitator.
  4. Trust that your CP has her own answers. Your job is to help her find them. This is particularly hard for coaches and leaders who believe they must influence the outcome toward a goal, or use their expertise to help the person change the way the influencer believes they should. (And yes, all influencers, sellers, leaders, negotiators, and coaches are guilty of this.)
  5. Stay away from data gathering. Stick to understanding how the status quo became established, and directing systemic change from there. Your biased questions will only extract biased answers. Use questions focused on change because you’ll never gather the full fact pattern anyway. Neutral questions like “What has stopped you from making the change before now?” is an example of a question addressed to systemic change. [Note: I’ve developed Facilitative Questions that eschew information gathering and lead systemic change through unconscious thinking patterns.]
  6. Make ‘discovery of a route to congruent change’ your goal, not a specific behavior.
  7. Get rid of your ego, your need to be right or smart or have the answers. Until your CP finds a way to recognize their own unconscious issues, and design congruent change that matches their idiosyncratic ‘givens’, you aren’t helpful regardless of how much you think you know.

Here are the steps everyone goes down to discover their own answers:

  1. What is the complete landscape of the status quo? The hidden elements that caused, and perpetuate, the current state?
  2. How has the person attempted to fix the problem until now? What caused her to fail? How has she continued to maintain her current behaviors? Why isn’t this still working now (regardless of success or failure, all systems create and maintain their status quo for Systems Congruence)?
  3. What internal capabilities does he have, but may be used for other actions, to substitute more helpful choices? What has stopped him from making this substitution until now?
  4. What does the client think he’s missing to get him to success, and how might he use you to help?

By assuming your client has his own answers hidden in his unconscious that just need to be found, by acting merely as a facilitator, by eschewing information gathering questions and pitches, you can help Others design their own fix, avoid bias, stop wasting time on those who will never buy-in, and truly serve another. You won’t have the type of control you’re used to, but thinking with a systems brain, you’ll have a much more powerful control: you’ll be facilitating real change.

About the Author

Sharon Drew MorgenSharon Drew Morgen is a visionary, original thinker, and thought leader in change management and decision facilitation. She works as a coach, trainer, speaker, and consultant, and has authored 9 books including the New York Times Business Bestseller Selling with Integrity. Morgen developed the Buying Facilitation® method (www.sharondrewmorgen.com) in 1985 to facilitate change decisions, notably to help buyers buy and help leaders and coaches affect permanent change. Her newest book What? www.didihearyou.com explains how to close the gap between what’s said and what’s heard. She can be reached at [email protected]

Five Secrets Fulfilled People Use Everyday

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Are there real tricks to becoming fulfilled in life? You bet. My research and that of others suggests that there are key street-smart actions that those who are most fulfilled use every day. I interviewed over 100 successful people – some who were fulfilled and others who were not – to understand why success does not always bring about fulfillment. There was amazing convergence around several things that fulfilled people do. Here are the top five:

  1. Have strong values – and stick with them. Does your work environment, family and friends allow you to behave consistent with your values? Having to behave contrary with your values can be debilitating.
  2. Practice resilience. The ability to face adversity and bounce back. One part of resilience is having grit, a firmness of character, or as psychologist Angela Duckworth describes it based on her studies, the “perseverance and passion for long-term goals.” It was a rare person who could pursue their long-term goals without setbacks in their lives – divorces, failed promotions, cancer, family members coming off the rails. Many people who I knew to be successful in their professional lives had many hidden stories of failures and bounce backs. They used a variety of approaches to get around those adversities that you can borrow in your own life, such as building a great support network of friends, or family that can support you as you plough through challenges. Those who had developed mentors found them particularly helpful. Some dug deep into their long-term vision or spirituality to help them overcome setbacks. We all have setbacks, it’s how you get up that makes the difference.
  3. Take risks. A really interesting finding in my research is the quantity of people who either took risks and vouched that those risks stretched them and enabled them to reach new heights, or those who regretted not taking more risks. It appears that wisdom brings with it perspective. What appeared to be huge risks to many when they were young, now seems insignificant in hindsight. Although hindsight is often 20-20, it would be too easy to dismiss this advice simply as sages looking through the rear view mirror. Instead, many felt so strongly about this that they have gone overboard in encouraging their children to take more risks. This is one of the most difficult lessons in the art of fulfillment, but you can help yourself by have a longer term vision, with many intermediate lighthouse goals along the way – stepping stones – that allow you to see the big picture. Imminent risks are often much less threatening when viewing the big picture. Another key is talking to those who have faced those risks before, often providing sage advice that allows one to reduce the fear and anxiety that comes with perceived risk.
  4. Find a good network. One of the most frequent pieces of advice among our sages was taking time to build networks. One out-of-work pharmaceutical executive told me that the only time he networks is when he is out of work, lamenting that he has not learned from past mistakes. It takes so much longer to reconnect with people and build trust, he shared. This is an increasing challenge to those who are overloaded at work today. Many interviewees commented that time pressures reduced their attendance at meetings outside work, limited hobby and family time, and reduced the time to simply keep up with friends and professional colleagues on Facebook or Linked-In. Most realized that having a good network is a key skill, particularly in the world we live in where networks and connections are increasing key to scoring the next great job, or finding a life partner or getting into the right school. If you are not building your network continuously, you are falling behind.
  5. Give back. An often forgotten element that brought fulfillment to many was giving back. Sharing your skills and experiences with others can bring an incredible sense of fulfillment when you see what it can do for others. I began volunteering for not-for-profits later in life and I can attest that it has been one of the most rewarding experiences. One group I encountered during my investigations was Rosie’s kids—a program to help inner city kids go ahead in life by teaching them stage skills – dancing and singings their hearts away. I first heard the backstory of so many of the disadvantaged kids – crack houses, abusive parent, abandoned, homeless – and then I saw these kids performing with huge smiles on their faces—and one child summed it up for me when I spoke with him at the end. He said that he was excited about his future – his chances. And with a tear in my eye, I realized that one of our greatest sources of fulfillment is enabled others to become fulfilled.

Take a moment to think about your own fulfillment. Do you have a vision, are you taking enough risks, have you built the networks to help you during difficult setbacks, and are you giving back to others more in need? Try it. I think you will find yourself more fulfilled.

About the Author

William A. SchiemannWilliam A. Schiemann, Ph.D. is CEO of Metrus Group. He is a thought leader in human resources, employee engagement, and fulfillment and author of Fulfilled! Critical Choices: Work, Home, Life, scheduled to be released October 1, 2016. For more information follow Dr. Schiemann on Twitter, @wschiemann and connect with him on LinkedIn at www.linkedin.com/in/wmschiemann.

Strategize Your Way to Success

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Strategy and execution are essential to be successful long-term. They require thinking and action. Most people know Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Few people know what Aristotle said later, “The unplanned life is not worth examining.” It’s important to set aside think-time to take a bird’s eye view of where you are at and where you want to go. But if you fail to plan how to get there, all that thinking will be a waste of time. Here are three critical components to proper examining and planning for a business and life of authentic joy.

Think-time and Proper Delegation

Do you have a set time either daily or weekly where you simply think? This is an essential practice in order to prevent getting caught up in the day-to-day projects and tasks. Properly delegating all the tasks and projects that can be completed well by someone else lets you focus on what you do best.

I work with one executive who gauges how successful his day is by how long it takes before someone interrupts him with a question after he begins his workday. If he is interrupted, he analyzes why and strategizes how to prevent it from happening again. His primary talent is innovation. The better he delegates, the more time he has to think. The more time he thinks, the more he innovates.

Willpower

When many people think of willpower, the first thing that comes to mind is food. According to a recent study we make well over 200 food-related decisions each day! But these are not the only willpower battles we wage. We need willpower or we simply won’t execute. Here are three tips to increase your daily willpower reserves:

1. The first battle of the will is your alarm clock. It seems silly, but it’s true. We know from research that willpower is like a muscle. It can become fatigued with heavy use. Many successful people (Jobs, Einstein) wore the same thing every day because it was one less decision to make.
2. Plan your day the day before. Do so preferably by the hour. If you decide on the spur of the moment or let the day push you where it will, you will likely end up far from where you wanted to be.
3. Calendar it. If it’s not on your calendar, it’s not going to get done. Period. Whether it’s time to meditate, time to think or time to make positive strides in a project, get it in ink on your calendar. Treat that appointment like you would any other that can’t be missed. No willpower required. Simply do what’s on your calendar.

Virtue

In order to be happy in business and in life it’s not simply a matter of making more money or beating the competition. It’s not only the “what” of strategy and execution and the “why” of purpose and mission. The “how” is just as critical. Aristotle said happiness is excellence in virtue.

Most of us have read about executives who have cheated to win by misrepresenting revenues. Sure, the returns were there on paper, but the lack of integrity eventually caught up with them. The most important virtue is love. Contrary to what most people say, love is not an emotion. Love can be influenced by emotion but it is primarily an act of the will. A decision. It’s about willing the good of another person.

At work, this translates into strategizing on how to help those around you to excel. What further education or skill development do they need? What are their goals? How can you best mentor them to reach their potential? What objective surveys have you administered to determine what their innate talents are? Are you playing to their strengths? Ultimately, to succeed, the first step is to truly love the people around you by putting their needs and goals above your own. You succeed when others succeed.

The key to living an authentically joyful life is to set aside time to think, use your willpower to execute and don’t forget that the “how” is every bit as important as the “what” or the “why.”

About the Author

Doug KisgenDoug Kisgen is a serial entrepreneur, organizational consultant, and author of Rethink Happy. Doug’s current company, Kisgen Group, works with entrepreneurs and executives to help them get what they want through the use of a short survey that validly measures seven work-related traits. His former company, Daydream Senior Care, dba Home Instead Senior Care, was a two-time Inc. 5000 fastest-growing company. Follow Doug on Twitter @dougkisgen.

The Making of Legends

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I have written several books, on business, entertainment, history and pop culture. The Legends series is an amalgamation of all of them.

My four Legends books include “Pop Icons and Business Legends,” “The Classic Television Reference,” “Houston Legends” and “Non-Profit Legends.” This series will have three more to come.

Most people are more products of pop culture than they are of training. Business dilemmas, solutions and analyses are framed first in the field of reference (pop culture teachings of their youth) and then reframed in modern business context.

Working with companies, I have realized that presenting organizational strategies as an extension of previously-held pop-culture values gets more understanding, comprehension, attention and support.

Most leaders of today’s corporations grew up in the 1950s-1980s. I have conducted countless strategy meetings where leaders cannot articulate business philosophies, but they can accurately recite lyrics from “golden oldie” song hits, TV trivia and advertising jingles.

Being one of the rare senior business advisors who is equally versed in pop culture, I found that bridging known avenues with current realities resulted in fully articulated corporate visions. Many a Strategic Plan was written by piecing together song fragments, nostalgic remembrances and movie scenarios, then were aptly converted into contemporary corporate nomenclature.

When we recall the messages of the songs, movies and books of the 1930s, 1940s, 1950s, 1960s, 1970s, 1980s and 1990s, we realize that today’s adults were formerly taught in their youths to:

  • Think Big Picture.
  • Conceptualize your own personal goals.
  • Understand conflicting societal goals.
  • Fit your dreams into the necessities and realities of the real world.
  • Find your own niche, do your thing.
  • Do something well and commit to long-term excellence.
  • Seek truths in unusual and unexpected sources.
  • Share your knowledge, and learn further by virtue of mentoring others.

How individuals and organizations start out and what they become are different concepts. Mistakes, niche orientation and lack of planning lead businesses to failure. Processes, trends, fads, perceived stresses and “the system” force adults to make compromises in order to proceed. Often, a fresh look at their previous knowledge gives renewed insight to today’s problems, opportunities and solutions.

I developed the concept of integrating Pop Culture Wisdom with management training and business planning over the last 40 years. It all started by teaching The History of Rock & Roll Music when I was in graduate school back in 1971. Fancy the concept of analyzing a recent time frame (the 1950s and 1960s) as social studies.

From 1958-1982, I produced many entertainment documentaries for radio, comprising anthologies of pop music. I emceed concerts with stars like Elvis Presley, Duke Ellington, Ella Fitzgerald, Little Richard, Kenny Rogers, The Beach Boys, Roy Orbison, Simon & Garfunkel, Nelson Riddle, Dionne Warwick and Andre Previn. I have produced videos with stars from Audrey Hepburn to Vincent Price, plus television public service announcements. That was another lifetime ago.

For the longest time, I didn’t let my business clients know about my years as a radio DJ, status as a musicologist and experiences in pioneering radio’s “golden oldie show” formats. I didn’t think that it lent credibility to wise business insights. However, years of experiences with corporate leaders made me come full circle and start integrating pop culture lingo into the conversations, consultations and planning processes.

All business leaders agreed that no road map was laid out for them. Executives amassed knowledge “in the streets,” through non-traditional sources. Few lessons made sense at the time and, thus, did not sink in. When repackaged years later, executives vigorously enjoyed the rediscovery process. The previously overlooked became sage wisdom. Knowledge they were not ready to receive as youngsters before became crystal clear in later times.

Reasons for Caring, Giving and Serving Others

I got into volunteering and community service at an early age. I found it heartening to be a good citizen and that community stewardship made me a better professional.

I have worked with more than 1,500 non-profit, public sector, and non-governmental entities over many decades. I interfaced with many on behalf of corporate clients. I conducted independent performance reviews of many. I served on boards of directors, search committees, awards panels, review boards and task forces for many. I have spoken at conferences, strategic planning retreats, symposia, workshops and board meetings for hundreds.

Non-profit organizations are the backbone of modern society. Every individual and business should support one or many. All of us are recipients of their services, community goodwill and worthwhile objectives.

There has never been a full-scope book on non-profit service. There have been books on fundraising and some articles on volunteer management and the business aspects of running non-profit organizations.

My “Non-Profit Legends” book covers everything non-profit, including such topics that have never appeared in an internationally published edition, such as:

  • Public service announcements.
  • Categories of non-profit organizations (my own creation).
  • The history of volunteering and community service, spanning 300 years. This parallels a chapter in my previous book, “Pop Icons and Business Legends,” where I covered a 400-year history of business.
  • Strategic planning, how-to instructions.
  • Pop culture influences of non-profit icons, events and campaigns.
  • Communications programs for NPOs.
  • Quotes on community stewardship, leadership and related topics.
  • Understanding your true service.

Here is what I wish to inspire via this book:

  • Motivate NPOs to be unique, true to purpose and make differences.
  • Encourage dialog on a Big Picture approach to non-profits.
  • Inspire new dimensions to corporate philanthropy.
  • Amplify discussions on community standards and ethics.
  • Encourage greater collaboration and partnerships.
  • Inspire a non-profit awards recognition program.
  • Inspire more non-profit presence on the internet.
  • Inspire more young people into community service.
  • Enlighten international audiences on Western world philanthropy tenets.

Here are the “heart and soul“ reasons for being engaged in humanitarian service:

  • Being good citizens
  • Volunteering, as time permits and worthy causes appear
  • Helping others
  • Business supporting communities
  • Non-profit organizations operating more business-like
  • Finding one’s passion
  • Working together with others
  • Exemplifying ethical behavior
  • Potlache: feeling happy and rewarded when serving others is appreciated
  • Sharing talents and skills
  • Innovating programs, strategies and methodologies
  • Recognizing and celebrating service
  • Honoring our elders
  • Involving young people in the lifelong quest toward community service
  • Diversity of society is reflected in service
  • Building communities
  • Interfacing with others
  • Learning from history
  • Enlightening others
  • Inspiring the next generation
  • Creating new constituencies
  • Re-involving those who have given, volunteered and participated in the past
  • Understanding the relationship of causes to quality of life
  • It’s good for business
  • It’s the right thing to do
  • Community events are fun and entertaining
  • Knowledge is transferable from community service to family and business
  • Injects heart and soul into yourself and your stakeholders
  • Leaders exemplify legendary behavior
  • Serving the under-served
  • Predicting new community needs
  • Benefiting humanity
  • Fostering respect
  • Communicating and developing people skills
  • Being productive and fulfilled
  • Planning for future programs and community service
  • Accountability of non-profit organizations and their programs
  • Learning from failure and success
  • Putting ourselves in others’ shoes
  • Visioning the future of communities and the population
  • Feeding, clothing, sheltering, educating and inspiring the needy
  • Sharing the wealth
  • Advocating for others
  • Learning more about life
  • Understanding conditions and circumstances
  • Discovering new frontiers, with opportunities to master
  • Networking, beneficial for all concerned
  • Growing as human beings
  • Growing as a society
  • Having fun while serving
  • Humanity as the basis for global peace and understanding

About the Author

Hank MoorePower Stars to Light the Business Flame, by Hank Moore, encompasses a full-scope business perspective, invaluable for the corporate and small business markets. It is a compendium book, containing quotes and extrapolations into business culture, arranged in 76 business categories.

Hank’s latest book functions as a ‘PDR of business,’ a view of Big Picture strategies, methodologies and recommendations. This is a creative way of re-treading old knowledge to enable executives to master change rather than feel as they’re victims of it.

Power Stars to Light the Business Flame is now out in all three e-book formats: iTunes, Kindle, and Nook.

Integrative Listening – Is Anyone Truly Listening Anymore?

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These days, it seems that the art of communication is being lost. All too often within society, conversations have become one-sided monologues with witnesses or even worse, people gathered together in one space while all looking at their devices.

When people stop talking in the workplace, morale drops followed by productivity. If leaders fail to address these problems, they will see good employees walk out the door. Employees leave positions where they feel they are not being heard or understood either by leaders or colleagues. While the cost of employee turnover is high, leaders who do nothing about it pay an even higher price.

Society seems to have perpetuated the strange theory that just because human beings breathe, they can communicate. Yet hang around any organization for even a short period of time and you’ll recognize that this couldn’t be further from the truth. Within the entire workplace spectrum, ineffective communication skills are ever-present. Colleagues bicker about the same topic only to find that essentially they are really saying the same thing, just from a different perspective. Others complain and argue to the point where they refuse to work with each other. Even further on the spectrum, others opt to remain silent and watch the system as it slowly breaks down into a disordered state.

Today’s work environments are diverse beyond the physical attributes of age, gender, and race. We must also consider each employee’s cultural roots, generational experiences, and how their spirituality affects more than how many personal days they take but rather how their beliefs lead them to interact with others. In organizations, the ability to successfully exchange relevant information becomes even more vital. Team members who communicate in an integrative manner look each other in the eyes and speak to the heart of the matter. They have learned strategies that allow them to observe the issue from a seamless framework without any animosity. They work to truly hear the people they are interacting with instead of just waiting them out so they can respond. They come from a place of empathy, working to understand where the other person is coming from, even if they don’t agree with why the person feels or thinks that way. They watch the speaker’s body language and listen to their tone of voice. They understand that communication is more than words in isolation. They learn to respond assertively, using “I messages”, owning their contribution to the process of communicating, and helping to involve the other parties in the process as well. As people practice and employ these skills, they begin to appreciate what the other person brings to the table; relationships based on trust develop leading to more cohesive teamwork. These communication skills are critical for the successful execution of organizational missions.

In his 1996 book, The Platinum Rule, Dr. Tony Allesandra discusses what he considers to be the Platinum Rule. “Do unto others as they’d like done unto them.” Distilled down to its essence, the Platinum Rule likens itself to respect for others. Moving away from a them-versus-us mentality and shifting to a focus on “us”, it becomes a useful tool to help build rapport, develop teams, and ultimately meet the organization’s mission. He also outlines four behavioral styles; director, socializer, relater, and thinker. In order for leaders and others to utilize Alessandra’s work effectively, they must recognize what their dominant style is as well as those of the others on their teams. Once they understand the other’s styles, they can learn to flex to them. Meeting people at their point of engagement gives a better chance of being “heard” by them. Managers who model these skills and provide a trusting environment, position their teams and organizations for greater success and growth.

In my book, How Not to Act Like a BLEEP at Work, we chronicle the development of Louise Jackson, a technically successful mid-level manager who struggles to be behaviorally proficient. As a director/thinker, Louise lacks empathy and emotional intelligence. She doesn’t recognize the need to meet her people where they are, leaving her team to pick up the pieces and support each other along the journey.

Leaders are becoming further tasked to garner more and more from their team members. Through the use of integrative-based communication strategies, many needless conflicts could be avoided early on. How much would that be worth to your project, program and institution?

About the Author

Melissa DaviesMelissa Davies is an internationally respected expert on developing workplace environments where people are able to show up better. She runs Wise Ways Consulting, which specializes in executive coaching, group facilitation, and high-engagement training. Melissa is also the author of How Not to Act Like a BLEEP at Work, a business parable that delivers examples and lessons on how to create a business environment where team members are able to show up with their best selves and contribute to meeting the organizational mission.